CHAPTER 1 ~ IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOOD, BAD, OR DOWNRIGHT UGLY?
Relationship conflict is more common than you think, so it may be comforting to know you’re not alone. Long after a relationship has reached its use-by date, many couples stay together because they fear change or the prospect of living alone, or for financial, religious or social reasons.
However, whether it’s open disagreement over the dinner table or an underlying unspoken feeling of not being appreciated, living in a loveless relationship can cause enormous stress. Conversely, relationships where partners never argue or disagree may not always be as idyllic as they seem. In real life, anger that’s suppressed or ignored by one or both partners can actually be unhealthy – literally.
We didn’t have good communication from the start. We didn’t know how to express our needs and wants and couldn’t discuss issues like grown-ups. I got so frustrated that eventually I gave up, when really I should’ve gone to counselling and persuaded him to come too.
All those songs about the agony of a broken heart and unrequited love may be backed up by scientific research, which shows that loneliness and romantic rejection is processed by the same area of the brain that deals with physical pain. This explains why feeling abandoned by a loved one can physically hurt, so if you’re in a relationship that includes repeated conflict and feelings of neglect, you are probably already experiencing physical discomfort on a regular basis.
Toxic relationships – signs of wear and tear
Many couples choose to live in toxic relationships because they don’t have the emotional and practical skills to leave. So, how do we define toxic? The Concise Oxford Dictionary says it means poisonous – in other words, it can make you sick.
An unhealthy relationship, especially one with ongoing conflict, can cause levels of stress that impact negatively in many ways, and which may manifest in physical core emotions such as sadness, depression, fear, anxiety and anger.
Sadness is a natural transient reaction to painful circumstances that eventually passes as you come to terms with the presented challenges. At some point in our lives, many of us may experience it as a sense of despair, difficulty in waking or getting out of bed in the morning, lack of concentration or inexplicable crying spells.
Fear and anxiety can manifest as tightness in the chest, nausea and diarrhoea, the constant need to urinate, dry mouth, trembling, anxiety attacks, heart palpitations, breathlessness and dizziness. Meanwhile, unresolved relationship issues lead to anger and resentment, which can build up over time to cause depression
Depression, simplistically, could be described as an extreme case of sadness, with many more symptoms than an unhappy mood. A serious condition that interferes with the normal functions of daily life, there are not always logical reasons for the dark feelings that can linger for weeks, months or even years. Symptoms include negative thoughts and bleak despair, insomnia, fatigue, digestive problems, appetite changes, irritability, general disinterest in life, aches and pains, anxiety, guilt, weight changes, indecisiveness, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. If you think you are suffering from depression, please seek medical advice.